4 months! That's how old my little bean is. Well technically 19 weeks. Which is also how long it's been since I've posted here. What can I say? The all consuming job of motherhood has left me with little free time, although it has filled me with an endless amount to say about things like baby sleep. Oh man. All the complexities of sleep that you never knew existed.
4 months!!! Isn't time just the craziest thing? It definitely doesn't feel like 4 months, it's been just a blink! And yet it has been so incredibly full. Full of life changing, anxiety inducing, joy bringing, sleepless, love-filled days, hours, minutes, seconds, tiny moments really. They might seem trivial from the outside but they add up to so much.
Every moment in these last few months has changed me and shaped me into a new version of myself; I am stronger and yet more afraid, happier and yet with more worries, intuitive and yet often confused. Everyone tells you don't they? How much harder your days will be - and how much better. It's hard to understand until you're in it because it's so full of contradiction this whole parenting thing. Its also full of poop and spit up and drool, sooo much drool.
The first few weeks of parenthood were a bit of a haze. The days blended into nights with the constant routine of feedings, changing diapers and sleeping. My body - was wrecked and fragile and for a little while so were my emotions. Peter and I tried to figure out how to navigate our coupledom with our new addition, all whilst in the middle of moving. It was a whirlwind for sure. But already the shock of it has lost its edge, when I look back on it now I remember the quiet moments in the middle of the night when she fell asleep curled up on my chest, or how strong I felt when facing the worst part of labour and knowing I could do it. I also remember how much my husband carried me through the toughest parts of childbirth and afterwards.
For the first few days Isla was mostly separated from me and put in the scary blue box. It turned out to be a small problem really, she was jaundiced which is very common (I was not aware of this beforehand) but it weighed so heavily on us at the time. Peter was stressed and mostly on his own since I was no condition to help him and yet, he still made a huge effort to keep my spirits up, basically becoming the hospital comedian.
A few days ago he asked me, "tell me something you love about me". To which I responded "you're funny" - which is inadequate. He prodded on for a more detailed answer but I didn't give him one because I suck at on the spot stuff like that.
What I should have said was "because no one else in this world could lift my spirits like you do, because you make me laugh in the toughest moments and make everything a little less painful and difficult and stressful, because you WANT to make me laugh even when I know you feel stressed or tired or rundown, because your humour is like a light to me and because when I look back at tough times, what I'll remember is how much you loved me".
That sums up the whole childbirth experience for me, and the first few weeks; Sort of difficult but filled with so much love and it will live in my memory as the most beautiful days.