I don’t like it when bloggers disappear for a while and then come back and immediately apologize for their absence, because c’mon, you weren’t sitting there holding your breath, waiting for them to impart some sort of worldly wisdom. So I try not to do that.
But I also don’t want you to think that I don’t care about this blog because I do. I love this little page of me, hello narcissism.
I like having a place to write my thoughts and feelings that, while they impact no one, maybe get me a little closer to who I am. That being said, I’ve neglected this little piece of me for a few months now. Not because I didn’t want to write – or because I’ve had nothing to say. I actually have SO MUCH to say, so many thoughts racing around up there.
Mainly, its because these thoughts have been clouded by exhaustion, and unrelenting nausea that has left me basically useless. For oh, about 4 months now.
Not that you need to be told, because I mean the picture says everything but, Yes, I have a little being sucking out my life force in my uterus right now. That was a little disgusting wasn’t it? In other words; I’m pregnant! It is all still a little surreal, I’m just getting used to saying it. But there it is.
Peter and I are very happy. We had been planning and hoping for a baby for a while actually. It didn’t come as easy to us as we had thought. We are both healthy and fortunately avoided any medical intervention, but it wasn’t completely smooth sailing which meant that when we found out, we were both filled with a sense of anxiety and inability to admit it was REALLY happening until we were in the relatively “safe zone” of pregnancy.
Happiness aside, this pregnancy has already taught me that when I make plans, God - in his wisdom smiles a little, maybe even chuckles. I’ve mentioned before my need for structure, I make to do lists in the morning and plan my meals weekly etc. I am type A all the way and planning for this pregnancy was no different, I knew exactly what I would do – eat REALLY healthy and keep exercising and get all the books and do all the things.
PPPPFFFFFFFTTTT let me tell you how quickly those plans came crashing down. Two days of nausea and it was all over. Hello bagels, gingerale and KD.
I would like to clarify a few things about “morning sickness”. For starters, it is any and all times of day not just morning. I was sick at 4 am, 2 pm, 9 pm, you name it. Also, that thing you see in movies where the girl quietly throws up and then goes back to her regularly scheduled life … hahahahahaha. No.
Most days I was nauseous at ALL times, nothing made it go away – and trust me I tried EVERYTHING, see all those pinterest boards about the wonders of ginger and crackers etc.? I’ve seen them too, and I tried it, it doesn’t work.
Not to mention how many times a day I was actually sick. Imagine having a really annoying stomach flu, but for three months.
It is a crappy feeling physically for sure but also psychologically. You feel angry with yourself for not being the picture of pregnancy that we always see, a radiant woman holding her belly beaming with joy. You feel a bit depressed about being barely able to get out of bed or be productive in any way. There is also a sense of loneliness and guilt – most people don’t fully understand how you feel, some might even think you exaggerate or like the attention. It’s hard to find people that will validate how you are feeling. Which means that when people ask how you are feeling, it’s often easier to lie. Just to put a smile on your face and say everything they expect to hear, instead of what you are really feeling- Miserable, lest they take your misery for ingratitude.
I know, marvellous picture of pregnancy I’ve painted so far huh? It isn’t this way for all women. Some have amazing experiences throughout the whole 9 months, feeling beautiful and empowered and glowing etc. 2 months ago I would have wanted to punch all of you square in the nose – but now that I am feeling better, and slightly more rational I can tell you that you are very lucky and hopefully you enjoyed it. For the few who feel/felt a little bit like I did, a lot like I did or worse, I am so sorry, I have so much love for you.
I’m happy to say that I’ve been feeling much better the last few weeks. I still occasionally get sick but its much more rare, and doesn’t effect me for entire days. I’m enjoying feeling a little bit more like myself these days, albeit with slightly tighter fitting jeans and crazy appetite.
Although I haven’t been posting them, I’ve been obsessively writing letters to my little bean (sex still unknown) since we found out, it helped me keep some sense of sanity knowing what it was all for. I will be including some here periodically. Here is the first;
Dear baby bean,
We found out about you last week. But we've been hoping for you for a long time now. I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen to be honest. Peter thinks I'm a worst-case scenario type of person. Maybe I am a little. We had another little bean a few months ago. But that ended almost as soon as it began. So there has definitely been some trepidation on our journey towards you.
I think I knew about you before I even took the test. It's hard to describe but I had a "feeling". There were a few tiny inconsistencies within my body, which most people may have missed or shrugged off as simply "the sniffles" or a small cramp, a slight increase in the need to pee. I knew something was changing - but I dared not say it out loud!
I bought two tests so that I could be certain; regular one and a high tech digital one which I used first. It took all of 30 seconds for it to say "pregnant" and another minute to say "2-3" weeks. That's a good sign I thought! It worked fast! I was happy and had butterflies in my stomach to tell Peter. No fancy announcements here though. I could never wait that long. I left the stick in plain sight in the bathroom. He went in, it was quiet for a minute then he came out and said, "You're pregnant?" I knew the moment I saw the look on his face he felt how I did - reservedly happy. We couldn't bear to get too excited if it was a mistake.
Two days later (an enormous amount of time when you're waiting) I took test number two: A regular test with no fancy-shmancy bells and whistles, just the one line or the two. Again it was seconds before the result came in - two lines, nice and dark. This time my reaction was more exuberant. It's true! I'm pregnant. I have a little bean growing in there. All of this followed of course by an immediate sense of panic.
Wait... What did I just do? Can I do this? Can I just skip the labour part? I'm told this is normal. But in that moment it felt ridiculous and selfish. Peter had more or less the same reaction when I confirmed the results. Although I think he may still be in panic mode. But baby don't worry. I can't deny that we are afraid, but we are strong and we're so ready for you.